and yet again, I dreamt of my past, got struck with the excruciation of betrayal and shattered trust, I lost confidence in her taking care of me, I fear for her words and actions that suggested Im expendable, stupidity befalls me, vulnerable, weak, I saw her words for him, and it keeps haunting me, is this the price I have to pay for being GOOD? Is this the price I have to pay for being responsible? For being up about and straight? Is this what I get for all the sacrifices, the lonely moments, the homesickness, the "i want to quit work but I cant" scenarios?

Cruel,

I deserve more I think, but she's too impatient, immature, stubborn to even appreciate what had happened, Instead, she validates the actions and blames me for that decision, God kill me now if all of her and her deceiving sister's accusations are true,

Its over and done I know she admits, but I just could'nt have closure, I need her to be more than what she is now, but I also know that she cant, thats why Im hopeless, fearful she will live up to what she said, Im expendable, if only she could appreciate, If only I could get some importance above everything/everyone else

How do you actually Heal?

You're a fool if you think everything is alright. It's obvious, but WE choose not to look at it for the sake of continoum, we're right where we started, Ignoring what is relevant to pursue our selfishness. Im stuck, still struck hard of betrayal, I can still feel it like it was just now, like it was that night when I tried to kill myself. No matter how brave and courageous I stir myself in, I get weakened by your words meant for other than me, those words you would normally say just to me. What have I done to be treated like that I still ask. What did I do to deserve it, I still ask. Why am I cutting myself, I still ask. I have lost and not know how to rebuild myself, kept hanging on the good part of life just to say that life goes on. I cant believe that Im actually sowing my fears, that Im literally witnessing my fears in life.

I had a premonition, I have 10 years left in my life..How do I intend on spending it?

Somethings gotta Give

Wake up one day crying in your sleep...Its like you've been to that world where everything was so real.. so painful. You look back and thought of it, reflected, reminisce the pain. Excruciating, torturing, agonizing... and then you ask yourself, why are you still here? How come you're still here? ..you try to answer, stomped.

I knew this off days wouldn't be good. Yeah, I got the rest, I got the break.. but its also breaking me ..again. Things haunt me again, a sign that I never did get rid of my nightmares. A sign that I never gotten over it yet. Again I had to search for ways to make me sane, make me forget what THEY did to me. I had to think of something to live for again, something to go on with, something I could hold on.. Im a fool and a coward, There are things in my life that I couldn't just let go, because like I said a million times in so many things "I Love beyond what causes the pain" Its not just about me and me alone, its about people behind that rely on your toughness. You fail, they suffer.

Selfishly I need to break free, I need to run and be rid of these anguish... but I know during the flee I WILL look back and see what I've left behind and regret that I did quit. Regret that I had the chance to amend it but was to weakened by betrayal. Trust that is so hard to build back. Like a sand castle made of dry sand. Impossible but doable. I just need to be extra strong, resilient, Numb.

Room 606

.. I had an encounter today with a Friend who actually reached out.... for a moment I was reluctant to give my points or opinion in life but by the time I realized that I should be talking I was already out of the room wondering what could have been if I did decide on discussing possibilities with him... the problem is, I am not in a position to deal with a matter that family and immediate persons around him should be the only ones discussing, its a matter of respect.. its about big decisions in his own personal life and it scares me to be ever involved in it.. but somehow I am in a way attached and felt obliged to do something about it and help as much as I can in a manner that would respect the immediate individuals surrounding him..

I wanted to share what Ive been through, what Ive been accomplishing, what I've been battling... but I wasn't sure if I was deemed worthy enough to solicit His ears as an audience... I wanted to let him know that I've been a part of where He is right now, that I know how difficult it is and how excruciating it is to wait for a time that would end everything you have gone through all this years... to cut it short and precise..my friend is dying.... and the only thing I can share to him are my animosities in life... I wasn't sure its good enough, but one thing is for sure, He needs someone to hear em out, someone who would prepare him for this..Im not suggesting that He doesn't have one, my point is He reached out to me and I was a coward to ever shut him down, thinking that I may have sent a wrong signal to him, thinking that I may had given him a wrong impression on me..

...I stammered on what to say, I was actually trying to be cautious in what I would say next, it is what I do but I was selfish to ever think of myself and the consequences I may have triggered if I did so, I was certain that I could do no harm, for in me it was a genuine hand for him to grab unto, and I felt that I could do no wrong since my philosophy was just to bear the truth, no nonsense, no twists, no misdirections, no bullsh*t.. I've been spat on, betrayed on by people I considered to be my family..... family dont abandoned their own, family dont betray their own... so for that I chose to be plain on straight forward on everything, yes I know it will be argumentative to be offering this notion but what the hell could go wrong if both of you understand the true meaning of "what is wrong and what is right?" If you know what is wrong from what is right then how hard could it be? You can't twist a wrong to be a right, it will still be wrong no matter how you put it, and I know He is that kind of a person, someone who can be at same page with me, someone who would understand my intentions.

...I wanted to do things for him but Im limited to a line that I dare not to cross, Im a stranger to them and Im just but an acquaintance....to me its more than that, call it attachment, call it stupidly immature, but God knows I've been day dreaming on trying to help them in a way that I can, an immaterial way of further improving the quality of his remaining life.....I share their grief, their anxiety, HIS anguish...

..what I am left at is this, a coward notion to let him know and his family that I do care, that I dont just take care of him out of necessity because of work..... and people would dare ask "what is it to you? why do you care? you dont know him that well, why would you even consider all of these?"

...I think its called "compassion" pure unadulterated compassion... WHY? I dont know! Its my nature to appreciate people out of their attitude, out of their natural behavior, out of their views in life.. I dont pitty HIM because he is dying, I see goodness in him that I just cant stop to stare..

...."mental toughness" thats what I said to him..... He inadvertently rephrased it in his own words: mind over matter..

Sir! I just hope those two words meant something to push you to be better...

maybe not for me

..Im sorry I have been away so long..maybe I really dont have time to be stuck on a Computer, well or maybe dont have time to be writing so many things..I guess I have so many things to do and prefer than be emotional and share things.
..well I got one for you, for those of you who knows me..did you know? ..I just hooked up with my sister! Yes! I have a sister! well sisters but I managed to findone of them thru an old MTG friend. Exciting really but nothing really relevant or life changing, though I wish it could be.
..and for that I've been creating some form of speech in my mind for what I dont know, but it has something to do with me fantasizing to be speaking in front of the whole Feleo clan, telling them what happened to me and how I grew up and how things are cool for me to be finally calling some people family. I hope I can create that someday..next blog.
..now let me go and see if anyone peeked through some of my work.
..ciao

Wasted

"..The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.."- Lorenzo 'A Bronx Tale' (1993)


How sad would that be if you got so many things in life that your good at but find it hard to capitalize on? I've been with this dilemma ever since I instantly find things that I'm most certainly think would be good at but find it difficult to develop because either I don't have exposure with it, or needing special trainings, or just as plain as having no time at all. Then I see myself doing things I'm obligated to do, like what I have as a profession right now. Don't get me wrong I love what I do but for some reason I think that I'm also good with other things not related to my work, but only needs to be exposed and probably need some assistance to pour out the genius in me. haha!

Well, I just don't know. Maybe I'm just too ambitious to become someone I would've wanted. Most friends of mine appreciate the side things that I do. Basketball, writing, speaking, Music, swimming, etc. Maybe Im just fond of it but modesty aside I just think I could do so much better if I had the chance to polish these things. ARROGANT! ..Oh c'mon, I'm not, I'm merely emphasizing things that most probably I had a future with but not actually realizing it and deciding on it. Decisions can be hard plus the facts of life and all those things you had to be responsible for makes it a bit more harder.

Making decisions, making the right decisions! That, I think is my weakness.
Making time. That's another I have to work on.

Colored People

I started appreciating people of different races back when I was working in the middle east. I met a variety of people from all kind of religious and cultural back ground. I was shell shocked at first and way to critical about their way of life. Cant blame me for it was my first time outside my home land for more than 2 years. I visited the United States once but was really not paying attention to actually stop and understand their normal way of living.
I've met mostly arabics and Indians, and God was I surprised! Being a Filipino who was raised under the american influence, I initially reject the way they do about with their business, and mostly criticize them... Until I stopped and appreciated them. Im not better than them. Im not as decent and religious as they are. My race is'nt that disciplined as they are. For that, my thousand appologies. I had to learn the unique way that people are different and there are other civilization far better than the ideal ones we, I have grown to become.
I saw a vast majority of people so sincere and solemn to their faith. I saw men and women not dictated by authorities to do simple societal law. Infact, most of my countrymen are afraid to cross the line. It took a foreign soil to make a person of my background to adhere to the simple laws. Discipline. I never thought people from the other side of the world could maintain such distinction. I was naive that other race could be such good citizens. Felt ashamed, embarassed that I was so arogant and well, a racist. Shoot! I hated the word, remembering the genocide in world war 2, the struggle of black americans, and all those killings and treatment one race would get from a so called superior race. I never thought that I could be one. Lesson learned.

But wait, I didint say they are perfect. Everybody has their own flaws and maybe thats why some races advertently hate each other. Thats why a certain terrorist exist.
C'mon guys we differ from our beliefs, we differ from our looks, we differ from cultural practices, we differ in a lot of way. But dont you think we could just understand and respect each other? Lets conform to a basic right and wrong in life. I dont think that differs from one race to another. Its what you call, I think, moral law. Is'nt it?

A New Look, A New Start

...and it only takes an ambitious, hardworking distant friend of mine to actually influence me to start this seemingly alien spot of society of which I barely have an idea about.

Good day dear friends. I have hear, a new concept to offer you... My piece of mind. I intend to share thoughts, ideas, experiences and everything and anything we could ever discuss under the sun. I still have naive thoughts on how to build and develop this site, but like most business men say: 'you would never know unless you try'... or do they even say that? =)

I'm still working on the title, but "Counting the Days" seem appropriate for my state of being right now. Yes, you read right, "state of being", and by that I meant of emotional and probably the spiritual part of me right now.
But HEY! I'm not gonna preach you about those kinds of things. I'm just here to share and solicit opinions from you guys. We'll talk about, like I said, everything and anything that I could think of and compare notes if we are on the same page.

Lets say that's its a sorry excuse for me to try, if people would ever listen to my ideas or opinions about the facts of life. Its one way for me to express my grievances and hope that people can relate and exchange thoughts in the process.

So let me try this one and see what happens.

Cheers.