How do you actually Heal?

You're a fool if you think everything is alright. It's obvious, but WE choose not to look at it for the sake of continoum, we're right where we started, Ignoring what is relevant to pursue our selfishness. Im stuck, still struck hard of betrayal, I can still feel it like it was just now, like it was that night when I tried to kill myself. No matter how brave and courageous I stir myself in, I get weakened by your words meant for other than me, those words you would normally say just to me. What have I done to be treated like that I still ask. What did I do to deserve it, I still ask. Why am I cutting myself, I still ask. I have lost and not know how to rebuild myself, kept hanging on the good part of life just to say that life goes on. I cant believe that Im actually sowing my fears, that Im literally witnessing my fears in life.

I had a premonition, I have 10 years left in my life..How do I intend on spending it?

Somethings gotta Give

Wake up one day crying in your sleep...Its like you've been to that world where everything was so real.. so painful. You look back and thought of it, reflected, reminisce the pain. Excruciating, torturing, agonizing... and then you ask yourself, why are you still here? How come you're still here? ..you try to answer, stomped.

I knew this off days wouldn't be good. Yeah, I got the rest, I got the break.. but its also breaking me ..again. Things haunt me again, a sign that I never did get rid of my nightmares. A sign that I never gotten over it yet. Again I had to search for ways to make me sane, make me forget what THEY did to me. I had to think of something to live for again, something to go on with, something I could hold on.. Im a fool and a coward, There are things in my life that I couldn't just let go, because like I said a million times in so many things "I Love beyond what causes the pain" Its not just about me and me alone, its about people behind that rely on your toughness. You fail, they suffer.

Selfishly I need to break free, I need to run and be rid of these anguish... but I know during the flee I WILL look back and see what I've left behind and regret that I did quit. Regret that I had the chance to amend it but was to weakened by betrayal. Trust that is so hard to build back. Like a sand castle made of dry sand. Impossible but doable. I just need to be extra strong, resilient, Numb.